Impact: On Being True

Every day, I’m getting older.

I am not so bothered by it as I am amused and entertained. I’d like to think this is because I’m also getting wiser.

I don’t want to go back in time and I am not afraid of what’s ahead (though certainly some of it will be unpleasant, painful, and even totally “sucky.”) But in recent years, there has been an increasing awareness that I have a finite amount of time to make an impact. There’s a sense of urgency – of “not throwing away my shot.” I want to make the most of the lessons I’ve learned and not waste any time or squander opportunities. I desire to help others leap-frog over my mistakes and missteps. And don’t we all want to leave a legacy?

While my motives were pure, doubt and negativity crept in and nearly took over. I worried that I was missing some important opportunity. You could say I developed a severe case of “Impact Envy.” Nothing good came from that. It was defeating and exhausting. I found myself falling for the lie that “maximizing my impact” must be hard work and involve lots of striving. Seeking, reaching, stretching, stepping into the unfamiliar, doing super hard things? Isn’t that what it must be about? Maybe I didn’t have it in me?

When I chose to stay home when our children were born, it was an easy and natural decision. It was a high honor to be with them in those formative years. Yes, it was also tiring, challenging, and sometimes lonely, but even on the hardest days, I had the sweet assurance that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do. How wonderful that felt! I am so grateful for that experience, and all the time with them that, looking back now, went by in the blink of an eye.

Now in this present season of life, I am seeing that these years have the potential to be formative, too. There is always the potential to be developing something, or helping someone develop. For God to be developing something new in me! It’s just that the role I should play is not clearly laid out for me now as it was then. I have been missing and lacking that clarity.

I have been on a healthy journey of learning and self examination. I have prayed and yielded and surrendered. One day, while running in our neighborhood, God gave me exactly what I needed. Check out this photo I snapped. It’s not a great picture, but I think it gets the point across.

The leaf. It was just being a leaf, and yet it left its mark as fully as it could, just by simply being what it was. It didn’t have to strive or struggle. It was
being a leaf while the asphalt sprayer was being an asphalt sprayer.

Simply resting there, being a leaf.

Just as I felt completely natural and normal in my skin when my days were devoted to guiding and nurturing our children – like I was born for it. My biggest impact is possible when I am simply who God made me to be, when I am fully myself (with the gifts He’s given and the learning and growth He’s brought). Then, and only then, God can use me for his purposes.

From here on out, I’m choosing that.

The best way to leave a “me-shaped” mark on the world is to lean in to (and rest in and trust in) God as my source of identity, and to enjoy the freedom in being the “me” God created and is growing me to be. Then my purpose can be truly accomplished. There is no expiration on this for any of us. It’s not over until it’s over. And even when our time here is done, if we’ve done this one thing well, the generations that follow will be better for it.

It seems like I should have this 100% down by now, because this is not the first time I’ve encountered these issues, or received this assurance from God. Perhaps this will be the final time I’ll wrestle with this one? Perhaps not. We humans tend to forget.

So thanks, God! For the leaf print and the reminder. And everything else.

Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It’s God’s gift from start to finish! We don’t play the major role. If we did, we’d probably go around bragging that we’d done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.
Ephesians 2:7-10 (The Message)