If Memory Serves…

I have realized something.  It feels like a big something.  I wonder if this has happened to anyone else.  Maybe so, but this is the first time it has happened to me.

I have realized that I remember exactly my feelings during the events of my own Senior Year in High School.  I mean it.  Exactly.

While I have a good memory (especially about emotions…and food), I can only remember highlights (and lowlights) of earlier ages and stages of my growing up.  You know, things like the anticipation of the first lick of the soft serve vanilla cone Dad bought me on the way back from playing on the big dune, the smell of the sun-warmed pine needles near the cabin, sitting across from Mom while sipping Cokes in the luncheonette in the mall, the pangs of guilt I felt after being mean to that boy in 3^rd Grade when he was hoping to find a friend in me – isolated moments that are etched forever and somehow strung together by blank spaces.

But Senior Year? I remember it all.  I remember the clothes I wore, what I ate for lunch and with whom, the feeling of my car’s steering wheel, the long walk to the mailbox each day, hoping to find my acceptance letter from Carolina, hanging out with my friends, the tension between my mom and me about how little time I was spending at home, holing up in my room to think my own thoughts, blasting Amy Grant and Dexy’s Midnight Runners (yes, I know that’s an odd combination) when I had the house to myself – all of it.

As a mom, I have tried to practice empathy in my parenting – remembering as best I can how it felt to be in whatever spot my children currently find themselves.  I think a little understanding goes a long way toward helping me avoid saying and doing things that I will regret later.

Don’t get me wrong – I know that I have still messed up plenty.  While I have managed to keep the promise I made to myself never to clean their faces with my spit (I had them lick their own finger, then used that finger to rub off the offending grime), and have tried to never say anything mean-spirited, I know they will carry memories of hurtful words that I didn’t even know I said, or words they needed me to say but I didn’t.  And I have been embarrassing (I take too many photos.  I  wet my pants a little that time I got hit in the ankle with a baseball… And I may have just mentioned that in a blog). I believe that it is part of God’s plan for us all to need Him to be our perfect parent.

Anyway, back to my realization.   Because I remember my senior year so well, I am finding that I completely identify with Elizabeth’s feelings right now.  So much so, that I recently felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.  We were in the middle of a typical situation – trying to mesh the plans she’d made with friends with our family’s plans for the evening.  I found myself going back-and-forth between the two roles (mother…daughter…mother).  It is difficult to explain other than to say that I was confused about which one of us I was and which way I was hoping the discussion would go.

Once I was back in my own mind, it was easy to decide in favor of Elizabeth getting to do what she was hoping to do.  Not because I “lost” or was manipulated, but because I remember how much  “we “need to be with our friends this year.  We need lots of time away from the family – as practice.  Not because we don’t love being with the family; we do!  The fact that we feel so secure in that relationship and in our home gives us hope for next year – that we will be successful.  But we need practice setting our own calendar and meeting our school, church, work, and social obligations without a lot of input – to make sure that we are capable of succeeding.  And another thing.  We feel “done” with High School.  These last few months might just be bearable if we can sometimes pretend we are already “out of here.”